Greetings, housing hunters! Are you feeling beaten down by the interminable grind of New York City, priced out of your Chinatown tenement? Fear not! Your exhaustive search for a modestly priced broker is over! No need to scour through more worthless and misleading listings, because I have EXCLUSIVE connections to seven incredible deals in the steamiest markets in the outer boroughs. For only $500 up front, I will whisk you away to any of these real estate hotbeds:

ISWAB (In the Shadows of the Willis Avenue Bridge) – If “gritty” and “freegan” are amongst your search terms, you’ll want to move fast to scoop up a spot in ISWAB (pronounced eye-swab). Tucked between the bodegas of East Harlem and the bohemians of South Bronx, you’ll be lulled to sleep by the dulcet sounds of incessant bridge traffic. And you’ll be right by a deserted railway terminal that will certainly become a Whole Foods in a couple years. With partial views of Randall’s Island and arguably the greatest works of Robert Moses ever conceived, you will be the envy of every squatter in the city.

Freshkills Glade – Looking to settle down? Give new meaning to “parklife” with a chateau upon the pastures in this repurposed landfill. Disregard what you may have heard about toxic groundwater, the city’s office of environmental protection surely did their due diligence on this one. Ten years from now, when you’re flipping that condo for a cool mil, those naysayers who said your children would have irreversible lung disease will be eating their words. Nobody can predict the future; not even scientists!

Gowanus Heights – Park Slope is dead, Greenwood Heights is overpriced—all the cool kids are moving to Gowanus Heights! Steps from the graves of Jean-Michel Basquiat and Boss Tweed, you’ll be in necrophiliac heaven. You know this hood is hot because there’s not a café in sight, only Dunkin’ Donuts. Go ahead, brag to your friends about the Subway and Cash 4 Gold that just opened up around the corner. They’ll wish they listened to you when you gave them the tip.

Hunts Hollow – Nestled in a quaint section of the Bronx, Hunts Hollow is suburban living for the urban trailblazer. If you’re in the mood for a date for the evening, you’ll have plenty to choose from. Need recycled tires? Try Reliable Tire Shop. Tell them Armando sent you. Hunts Hollow: Less development, more degradation.

Southeast Bushwick – Lease your own little corner of paradise with an onsite landlord who’ll be at the ready to fix those pesky leaking faucets and whispering radiators. Don’t call it East New York or Cypress Hills, this is absolutely the Bushwick you have read about in Vice Magazine. There’s not much yet, but pretty soon the Sailor Jerry-sleeved barbers will be stirring up Bloody Marys, the baristas will be sweating off their hangovers, and the homespun haberdasheries will be popping up in the old OTB.

Wards Island – Haven’t you always dreamed of the island life? I know I have. Imagine your own private Idaho, right in the middle of the East River. If you’re seeking solitude, this is it. Everyone else on the island is either locked up in a psychiatric facility or housed in a homeless shelter. So if volunteerism is your thing, you would be steps away from dishing out meals and scoring a free lunch. Or maybe you fancy yourself as an outdoorsman, a field and stream aficionado. Cast a line out your window and catch an organic dinner from one of the busiest commercial waterways in America. Just keep an eye on your mercury levels!

Astoria Falls – The old saying in the real estate biz was location, location, location! But times have changed, and the new catch phrase is proximity, proximity, proximity! Close to your loved ones in Riker’s, you’ll be in eyeshot with nothing but a K-Mart telescope. Can you see them waving? I can. Astoria Falls is a riverside paradise that is just perfect for conjugal visitors. And if you listen closely, you can hear the soothing churn of the wastewater treatment plant.